Why the dull parts are funniest
Weather, classified ads, corrections and the business pages have a voice everyone recognises. Write about your wedding in that voice and play it completely straight. The more serious the tone, the better it lands.
Small ads
- WANTED: one groom, punctual. Apply at the front at 2pm.
- FOR SALE: single life, barely used, one careful owner. No returns.
- LOST: best man's speech. If found, please do not return.
- FREE TO GOOD HOME: 140 sugared almonds.
- SERVICES: dance lessons, urgently required. Ask for the groom.
- FOUND: one bride, in excellent condition. Owner has been identified.
- TO LET: spare room, vacated by 400 jars and a box of bunting.
- SITUATIONS VACANT: designated driver. No experience needed. Immediate start.
The weather forecast
Outlook: sunny, whatever the sky does. Light showers of confetti are expected around 2.30pm, with a warm front moving in from the bar by early evening. Visibility on the dance floor will be poor after 10pm.
Horoscopes
- Aries: You will cry during the vows and blame hay fever.
- Taurus: A second helping is written in the stars.
- Gemini: Someone at your table has a story about the groom. Ask for it.
- Leo: The dance floor needs you by nine.
- Virgo: You have already noticed a typo in this newspaper. Keep it to yourself.
- Scorpio: Avoid the best man after his third drink.
For a personal version, write one for each table in place of each star sign.
Sport
FIRST DANCE PREVIEW: Whitfield goes into tonight's fixture short of match practice, having attended two of six lessons. Marsden is expected to lead. Kick-off 8pm.
Business and finance
MERGER APPROVED: Shareholders in Marsden and Whitfield have approved a full merger after a nine-year due diligence period. Analysts expect joint assets to include one dog and a contested record collection.
Corrections and clarifications
In our last edition we stated that the groom "never cries". We now understand this to be untrue and are happy to set the record straight.
Breaking news and exclusives
- EXCLUSIVE: Groom on time, sources claim.
- LATE NEWS: As this edition went to press, the groom was reported to be "calm". Sources close to the best man dispute this.
- TRAVEL: Delays expected at the bar between 5pm and 5.01pm.
- POLL: 94 per cent of guests "just here for the cake".
Other features that work
- Agony aunt: "Dear Deirdre, my husband-to-be alphabetises the spice rack."
- TV listings: the day's schedule written as programmes. "6.00 Speeches. Drama. Contains strong language."
- Lonely hearts: for the single members of the wedding party, with their permission.
- Property: "For sale: charming one-bed flat, no longer big enough for two people and a wedding dress."
- Wanted poster: the best man, for crimes against karaoke.
- Fact check: competing claims from the two of you, ruled true or false by a friend.
Keeping it kind
- Tease the two of you hardest. You chose to be in the paper and your guests did not.
- Tease people about things they are proud of or joke about themselves.
- Leave out exes, money, weight and anything that happened on the stag or hen weekend that a grandparent should not read.
- Show any joke about a named person to that person first.
- Keep one page free of jokes for the order of the day and for anyone you are remembering.
For puzzles and quizzes, see crossword and games. For headlines, see 75 headline ideas.
Would you prefer someone else wrote it?
I interview you both, write and design the whole paper and have it printed and delivered. See how it works and the prices. If you are making your own, the template pack gives you eight laid-out pages to start from.